A shadow of my former self

You notice I’ve changed. Or maybe you haven’t, but because I have changed things seem different.

You are different to me. I am different to you. Things are just… different.

I am a shadow of my former self.

I know that when you went away I had to alter my confidence. I needed to become stronger. I needed to be comfortable with who I am. Who I was. I needed to have faith in my path and trust in myself.

In a journey of healing, I continue working on my mind.

My confidence had been diminishing. Anxiety was in control. I was sinking to depths I couldn’t see any light from. Hatred grew. A toxic mind breeding a toxic body.

Arthritis gripping my joints, marking me in bright red swollen hot spots on my hands, wrists and feet. Physically, my body was aging dramatically.


I now allow myself to look at my imperfections and see the beauty in the scars, the history behind the clouded eyes, the hurt in the absent conversations.

I am a shadow of my former self.

My past is in the past.

Sins of the past are forgiven. Years of abuse. Abuse inflicted by drugs, alcohol, sex, negative input impacting the mind, and quite clearly, the body.

The girl of 15 years ago is long gone.

The woman of 10 years ago is history.

The mother of 5 years ago has evolved.

The person of 1 year ago…. Different. Forgiven. Learning. Independent.

Daily practices of gratitude. Moments of reflection and reminders to not sweat the small stuff. Appreciation of the lessons taught over the years continue daily.

I am not the person I once was. I’m no longer the person I hate being.

I am strong. I am learning to love me, as I am, in all my awkward, curious and inflamed being.

I am a shadow of my former self, and I am proud of that fact.


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