My sweet Bear,
One year of your presence, and my world has taken an about face. You are my light, my double eye bags, and my reason for moving through each day.
You’ve been hustling since the beginning, making your presence known after just a week from conception, and haven’t slowed down a notch – when you got older, I’m certain that you’ll finally get tired and just chill the fuck out for a few minutes, and maybe sit still while you’re eating, but then again, maybe you won’t, and you’ll be a motivational speaker.
I was feeling heavy when I woke up, but hell, how else you feel when you are 38 weeks pregnant?
It was our average Sunday – your dad was at work, Max and I were killing time, so we went for a hot chocolate, and a bit of Ishka retail therapy.
We parked up the hill from the shop, so after a mini hike through town to visit each of our destinations, the last 100 metres to the car was little harder than the first few kilometre.
Braxton Hicks had been running rife for 2 weeks straight since your 15 hours of “false labour”. Tightenings in my entire body were the norm. The heat I was feeling on that rainy cold day though was not normal. I was tired. I was so incredibly tired that as I was walking, I started sobbing. Uncontrollable sobs. All I wanted was for you to be out, and to stop messing with my hormones, my itchy stretched skin, my sleep and yes, I admit it, my wardrobe……. Maaaan I was so sick of wearing the same few things over and over – lets just say that it wasn’t just me that was wearing thin….
When we got to the car Max assured me that I was ok, that we were ok, and we should go home and have a rest. He really was waiting so patiently for you – he’d been praying for a baby for about 3 years, so you can only imagine his anticipation.
That morning I had joked with your dad about the you coming when he gets home from work, and dad spending another 24 hours awake like he had with Max. For some reason, he didn’t find it funny. 😉
Little did we realise that you had heard this conversation loud and clear and were waiting for the moment that dad got into bed and started snoring shortly before midnight……
I was so restless. I will never forget the feelings running through my body. It was like someone had a brush of nails and was running it all over my body. I was tingling, and my skin was hot and burning.
I wento to the toilet 8 times in half an hour, before thinking that there was something quite wrong when I was walking out of the bathroom and I suddenly had what I thought was a really bloody loose bladder that I couldn’t stop.
2 towels, a hell of a lot of water, some tears coz “I am so broken I can’t even make it to the toilet now”, and no contractions at that stage, I called the hospital to say that I was feeling really off. I was told I was ok, and that I didn’t really need to come in until contractions started and were a few minutes closer…… Silly silly me.
I though it might be time to pack my hospital bag and try to get some rest, but when I bent down to get my knickers I felt a pain that I didn’t recall with your big brother. I woke up your dad, and told him I was going to the hospital just to be checked. He asked if I was going to be OK to drive myself (I had driven in 2 weeks earlier), as he was tired from working until 11pm, and wanted some sleep.
You made a bit of a fuss and I felt you turn quite heavily in my stomach. You lifted every part of you out of my hips. Suddenly there was no pressure on my bladder and I had no pain in my hips. It was fucking bliss! I couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t care!
Enough of the messing around though, you went head first straight down and made me almost wet myself in shock.
I dragged your very grumpy dad out of bed, and woke up Max. This heat was killing me!
We all got into the car and suddenly I had a contraction, that took my breath away. It was a 7 minute drive to the hospital. I had 4 contractions on the way, another in the gutter outside the hospital, then another at the doorway.
There was a nurse having a cigarette break outside, and I don’t think she knew what to do. She moved like a bloody ninja getting me up the driveway and into a wheelchair..
“Just let me do a poo” I begged after having a quick check to see if I had dilated, so the midwife quickly left me to my business in the bathroom while I had another contraction and she fetched a gas cord.
“HOLY SHIT! There’s a BABY!” I remember yelling.
Max was playing Sonic the Hedgehog on his iPad, and your dad was doing something on his phone.
Dad must have flown to the bathroom, because he’s never moved that quickly.
I was sitting on the toilet, holding your purple little head in my hands between my legs saying “oh my God, oh my God, he’s in the toilet, oh my God….. Catch him before he goes, oh my God…..” as your dad called the midwife back in to help with the last bit of letting you birth fully.
All up I was fortunate enough to be holding you, and comfortably breastfeeding at 2am, and you didn’t hit the toilet water like I was afraid would happen.
You will always have your mama’s potty mouth no doubt.
I can’t believe that after everything that we had been through, you were here. You were very bruised from breaking into the world so quickly, but you were here.
Your delicious little puffy lips, dark hair, dark eyes. You chose me to be your mama. After 4 long years, you selected me to carry you, and now to guide you.
Now 1 year on, you guide me every day. You bless me with your love, your nature, your being.
Thank you for making my world so different, and I am so very very lucky to have you, little Harley Bear.
Happy birthday kiddo. ♥